The IIM Calcutta... I mean Joka Interview Experience !

It is One Year Fulltime MBA admission season again and I took a trip down memory lane to relive my MBA interview experiences. Considering the humorous tone of this blog, I decided to pen down some excerpts from my IIM Calcutta PGPEX interview. Here we go.

3 interviewers are sitting in front of me. Two are stern looking professors and one is an alumnus. The professors have clearly not had any fun in the last 30 years of their existence. The alum seems to be an insanely proud IIMC family member considering that he is wearing a thick jacket with a huge IIM Calcutta logo on a hot Mumbai day. The interview starts.

Interviewer: Why do you want to join Joka?
Sanket: Joka? Sorry but I am not sure what Joka is.
Interviewer: Why have you come here?
Sanket: I thought this was an interview for IIM Calcutta.
Interviewer: We are not in Calcutta, we are located in Joka which is completely different from Calcutta. Now, are you sure you want to come to Joka?

At this time, I am not sure what the interview panel wants to tell me. Is Joka built on top of a graveyard? Is it frequented by aliens? Why is going to Joka such a big deal?

Sanket: Sure, I mean if IIM Calcutta is located in Joka, then I am okay coming to Joka.

The interviewers look at each other with evil smiles. I am a bit nervous now.

Interviewer: You are already earning an astronomical salary. Why do you want to sacrifice this salary and take a break from your job right now?
Sanket: Astronomical salary? Sir I think my salary is pretty much in sync with my experience.
Interviewer: Your application form says that you earn close to Rs. 250,000 per month which is astronomical considering your experience.

Holy shit! I had probably goofed up the numbers on my application form. How could I do that?

Sanket: Sir it is probably a typing error. Can you show me the form please?
Interviewer: Here.
Sanket: Sir you are looking at my annual salary from my previous job in 2006. It is not a monthly salary.
Interviewer: Ahh okay. No problem. So why do you want to do an MBA?

Thank God. The famous "Why MBA" question. A normal sane interview seems to have started. I can breathe easy now.

Sanket: I have been working in a management role for the last 5 years and all my current knowledge is based on practical experiences. At this stage, I want to systematically understand the theory and science behind general management, marketing, sales and finance to progress further in my career.

Interviewer: What a globe response !

Now what the fuck is this "globe"? I am starting to get flustered now.

Sanket: Sorry I didn't get you. Globe?
Interviewer: In Joka, globe means a random statement that can be derived by anyone based on common sense, but is presented in an obfuscated manner to appear intelligent. Your reason for doing MBA is completely globe.
Sanket: Okay, but that is my actual reason for doing an MBA. If you think it is globe, then maybe it is for you.

Their faces look grumpy. Maybe they don't consider me worthy of Joka. But I am not giving up so easily.

Interviewer: Why not study everything from Coursera. Most of our courses are available online. Why join Joka?
Sanket: Well, discipline is one aspect. I have tried doing online courses but it is difficult to balance it with my job. A simple 2 week course takes months to complete. If I take a break and concentrate on studies, I will be able to learn much faster. Another aspect is the two way interaction between students and faculty, which is not possible for online courses. I will be able to learn much more from IIM Calcutta faculty, I mean Joka faculty than a Coursera course. Peer learning is also another advantage.
Interviewer: Again a globe answer. Give me a better answer.
Sanket: Sir the brand also matters. A certificate from this institute will open more doors than a Coursera certificate.
Interviewer: Globe again.
Sanket: Well, why did you do engineering? Online courses would have covered the whole syllabus, right?
Interviewer: I am not an engineer.
Sanket: It was more of a rhetorical question sir. I cannot think of any more reasons right now.

At this stage, I am not sure what these guys want from me. Given a choice, I would prefer to be deep fried alive than go through this conversation.

Interviewer: Okay. Explain how 4G works.
Sanket: Sorry I am not aware of that.
Interviewer: But you are an Electronics and Telecommunications engineer, right?
Sanket: Yes sir, but that was 12 years back. I have been working in the IT industry post engineering.
Interviewer: But still, you should know how 4G works.

There are some moments in life when you wish you were a ninja warrior so that you could punch the living daylights out of some people. This is such a moment.

Sanket: Sorry sir, I haven't kept in touch with trends in the telecommunications industry. I can talk about trends in the IT industry.
Interviewer: Tell us about blockchain
Sanket: (explained the basic concepts with some examples)

The panel seems a bit happy. Am I dreaming or is this real?

Interviewer: Will you join Joka alone or with your family?
Sanket: I plan to join with my family. Will that impact my selection chances?
Interviewer: No, it should not. Do you have any questions for us?
Sanket: People say that IIM Calcutta MBA is maths intensive. Do you recommend that I...
Interviewer (abruptly): Ok thank you. You may go.

I don't know what happened. Did they get upset because I said IIM Calcutta and not Joka? I step out of the interview room and other candidates waiting for their interview ask me how my experience was. I smile at them and make a quick exit !

Ordering a Coffee

It is my first visit to Starbucks. I walk to the counter to get a cup of coffee. A sophisticated looking girl welcomes me at the counter.

Girl: Welcome to Starbucks sir. What will you have today?

Me: I’ll have a coffee.

The girl has a rather shocked expression on her face. Apparently, she has never seen anyone ordering simple plain coffee at Starbucks. She gives me the “I-don’t-know-where-these-buffoons-come-from” look. But she quickly recomposes herself.

Girl: Hmm… so what kind of coffee would you like?

Ahh! She wants to dive deeper. No problem. I have some basic coffee knowledge.

Me: I’ll go for a cappuccino.

Girl: Okay. Do you want to go for standard, dry, wet or flavoured?

Me (a bit flustered): Umm… standard

Girl: Would you like whole, nonfat, 2 percent, soy or coconut milk?

Huhhh!!! I have no clue what this girl is saying.

Me: Normal milk.

Girl: Okay that would be 2 percent. Good choice sir. Would you like decaf?

Me: Well, okay.

Girl: Would you like Short, Tall, Grande or Venti?

I am in a state of panic now. I am not sure whether this girl is talking in English or not. I start looking for an escape route. Suddenly, a guy comes behind me and nonchalantly rattles off his order. 

Guy: I will have a Venti Iced Skinny Hazelnut Macchiato, Sugar-Free Syrup, Extra Shot, Light Ice, No Whip.

Girl: Right away sir.

Eureka! I have found my solution. I look at the girl and say - 

Me: I will have whatever this gentleman ordered.

Girl: Sure sir. Can I have your name?

Me: It’s Sanket

She takes a rather large glass, writes “Snake” on it, pours my drink into it and hands it over to me.

Me: My name is Sanket, not Snake.

Girl: That is what I have written sir.

I have no further energy to spend on this rather complicated conversation. I take my coffee and leave.

P.S. After studying the Starbucks syllabus for a while, I was able to gather enough confidence to visit the joint again and I am pleased to report that I did perform rather well. And surprisingly, during my research, I also figured out why the Starbucks girl misspelt my name. It is apparently a genius way to market their brand !

The Leaking Tap

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.


It is a lazy Sunday morning and I am still in bed. My peaceful life seems too good to be true. Suddenly the wife walks into the bedroom in a state of panic.

"The bathroom tap is leaking", she announces.

I pretend to sleep but she pulls me out of bed and drags me to the bathroom. I take a look at the tap and it is a ridiculously unnoticeable leak, I mean, there is a drop leaking every 10 seconds or so.

"That's not a leak", is my response as I proceed to head back to bed. But the wife is in no mood to relent. She proceeds to lecture me about the shortage of water in our city and how the Zulu tribe in Africa struggles for water. Seeing that I am unaffected by her theatrics, she gives up temporarily and disappears into the kitchen as I drift back to my state of bliss.

A while later, she again storms into the bedroom and forces me to recheck the leak. This time, I can see a thin line of water coming out of the tap. The wife tells me to call a plumber and get it repaired immediately.

I am aghast at the thought. I argue, "Why do we need a plumber? I am an engineer. I can do it myself". The wife tries to convince me that engineering and plumbing are separate branches of science but I am adamant. She finally proceeds to the market for grocery shopping and tells me that the tap should be repaired by the time she comes back.

Now, the wife generally takes 2 hours for grocery shopping, and I am confident that I can repair the tap in 30 minutes. So I head back to bed. I wake up after a while and realise that I have been sleeping for more than 2 hours. I dive towards the bathroom and start inspecting the tap. I press down hard on the tap and rotate it. The leaking stops. Ahha! I have found a temporary solution to the problem in less than a minute. My inflated engineer ego is now sure that I can fix the issue permanently. I get my toolbox and start tightening the tap bolt using a wrench.

Suddenly, the universe decides to take revenge on me for all my misdeeds and the tap comes apart, sending a sharp spray of water in all directions. I am dripping wet in a second and so is the complete bathroom. I try to choke the tap using my T-shirt but the tap turns out to be more powerful than I imagined.

In a state of panic now, I decide to keep my ego aside and call the plumber. Fortunately, he is in our building and comes immediately. He has a spare part in his inventory and fixes the tap in a minute. I am now convinced that engineering and plumbing are separate branches of science. However, I cannot admit this to the wife and get the "I told you so" treatment. So I decide to keep this as my little secret.

I pay the plumber with a Rs. 500 note. He says he doesn't have change and will return the balance the next day. I tell him that I will collect the balance from his shop later. The plumber is gone and the house is left with a wet bathroom, a perfectly working tap and of course, a smart and victorious engineer. 5 minutes later, the wife is back home and is greeted with a casual story about how I repaired the tap in 5 minutes with my expert engineering skills and how all plumbers will be out of their jobs if there were more husbands like me !

The wife is definitely surprised, I think she suspects some foul play after looking at the wet bathroom and my dripping clothes but she has probably believed me. My Sunday is going rather well. Suddenly the door bell rings. Who could it be at this time? I open the door and my world comes crashing down. It's the bloody plumber who has decided to return the balance money. I spend the next one hour listening to the wife's "I told you so" speech as I agree to her punishment clauses which include taking her for shopping in the evening.

I may have lost the battle but the war is not over yet. I will have my revenge soon...

Elevator Escapades

I met a rather nasty kid in the elevator today who jumped in with his parents and immediately started pressing all buttons on the elevator panel. His parents had a “How cute !!” look on their faces while the remaining of us had a “Can someone murder this kid?” expression. As you can probably guess, the journey to my floor took a lot longer than usual and I started thinking about nut cases I keep meeting in elevators.

The Deaf Music Lover

These type of people usually come with their iPods and headphones but the volume is so deafening loud that you can hear the music on top of everything. We understand that you love the music but is it really necessary to impose it on the other hapless souls around you?

The Impatient One

This one believes that every elevator comes with a secret functionality - The more times you press elevator buttons, the faster the elevator will travel !

The Weightless One

Picture this situation - The elevator is jam packed and is displaying a “Elevator Overloaded” message. Someone is still trying to make their way into the poor elevator. Even if you tell them that the elevator cannot carry their weight, they ignore you and continue standing inside. If you see these type of people, then congratulations - you have met a species of human beings that are weightless !

The Shield

This one enters the elevator and stands right in front of the elevator panel totally blocking it. If you want to press your floor button when these guys are around, then tough luck !

The Chatterboxes

These type of people love to discuss everything during their elevator rides - ranging from the Big Bang theory to why Angelina and Brad got divorced. And the discussions are usually at a high volume. However I must admit that I owe most of my “general knowledge” to these guys.

The Cellphone Addict

This one enters the elevator looking at his phone, keeps looking at his phone during the elevator ride and exits the elevator without taking his eyes off his phone. These type of people sometimes forget to press their floor button and often end up at the last floor of the building.

The Blocker

This one will stand right in front of the elevator door even if there is space at the back. He is probably scared that if he gets pushed towards the back, he will never be able to get out !

The Yeller

Everyone knows that cellphone reception is bad in elevators, unless of course, there is a cell tower inside one. Yet, some people keep talking on their cellphones, increasing their volume every second. I mean, if you want to yell that loud, do you really need a phone to talk to the person at the other end?

The man with a killer dog

Your elevator doors open and a guy enters with a 4 feet tall dog who looks at you as if he will gobble you up in an instant. You are terrified but the dog owner insists that the dog is totally harmless and cute. One deadly bark is all it takes for you to wet your pants !

The Jammer

These type of people will insert their hand or foot between the elevator doors while they are closing. While they successfully get the doors open most of the times, they sometimes end up temporarily disabling the elevator, specially when you are running extremely late.

It’s been more than 150 years since the elevator was invented but I guess it will take another 500 years before human beings learn proper elevator etiquettes. Till then, let us pray for poor souls like me who have to endure these lunatics everyday.

Cooking and Me

The worst thing about staying in countries like US and Canada is that you have to cook your own food. Of course, there are smart people like me who stay with good cooks. My utensil washing ability combined with their cooking ability ensures that we co-exist happily. But once in a while, there comes a day when the cooks are busy and the utensil washer is all by himself. Today was such a day.

I had initially decided to fast the whole day but by afternoon, my stomach had started revolting resulting in strange rumbling sounds. I decided to cook something. A quick research on the internet suggested that cooking a simple potato dish was achievable for amateurs. I went to the kitchen, poured half a litre of oil in a pan and started heating it. Meanwhile, I ransacked the kitchen for masalas and found 3-4 packets. I took one masala packet and started putting it into the oil. Suddenly it slipped from my hands and the entire masala was in the oil. But no problem... more masala means tastier food !

I put some more masalas into the pan and started cutting potatoes. 10 mins later, the pan started vibrating violently. I peeped into the pan to see the entire mixture turning dark red, then brown and then black. It had started behaving like one of those volcanoes they show on the Discovery channel. Before I could do anything, the oil caught fire releasing tons of smoke. The fire alarm started ringing. The situation was out of control now. I hurled the pan into the sink and poured water into it but it resulted in more smoke.

I remembered being told that if the fire brigade arrived, the fine was $5000. I was at my wits end. I kicked all doors and windows open, grabbed a towel and started waving it frantically to get rid of the smoke. Meanwhile, my brain was calculating the total amount of money I would have to borrow to pay $5000. Suddenly, the alarm stopped ringing. My towel flapping had done the trick. But the danger was not over yet. The fire alarm had been ringing for quite sometime and there was a huge risk of the fire brigade arriving. There was only one hope - God.

Speaking of God, it sure is advantageous being a Hindu. We have 320 million Gods and there is a high probability that at least one of them will be available for your help. I started chanting all prayers I knew for invoking as many Gods as possible. Suddenly I heard the siren of a fire brigade. I started praying even harder. I promised God that I will visit a temple and offer 5000 coconuts. My bribe seemed to work. The siren died down after sometime. After waiting for 15 mins, I heaved a sigh of relief… $5000 saved !

P.S. I know that I could have ordered a pizza instead of cooking, but a hungry stomach destroys the mind's capability of thinking logically. I also realized later that 5000 coconuts will cost more than $5000 !!!

The Haircut

I was on my way to the grocery store when I saw a gorgeous girl standing outside a shop. She saw me staring at her and she signalled to someone. Suddenly, a couple of more ravishing girls came out of that shop and started smiling at me. I went weak in my knees... I had to go in and buy whatever that shop sold. 

Completely mesmerized, I entered the shop. The shop's nameplate read: Chi Wang - Hair Saloon

Holy crap !!!
There was no way I could allow them to cut my hair, my beautiful hair which had taken 8 months to grow this long. But if I did that, I would have to leave the shop immediately which was again not an option.

Me (to my brain): Please please... let her cut my hair.
Brain: Are you serious dude?
Me: Yeah... I will ask her to trim it very slightly. Believe me, it won't make a difference.
Brain: No way dude. There is no way in hell I am allowing you to do that

Meanwhile, one of the girls had come close to me and started taking my coat. The fragrance of her perfume made its journey through my nose and filled my brain.

Brain: Screw the hair dude... go for the haircut.
Me: Thanks man. I knew you would understand !!!

I was in a state of bliss as the girl took me to a chair and asked me to relax. I closed my eyes in anticipation.

After a minute, a strange male voice rang out, "How you want haircut?"
I opened my eyes and saw the ugliest looking Chinese guy I had ever seen with a gigantic pair of scissors in one hand and a comb in the other. I frantically looked around for my pretty angels but they were nowhere to be seen.

"Sorry. No haircut", I started saying looking for a quick way to escape.

He frantically nodded his head, suddenly opened his drawer and took out a machine. Before I could say anything, he had moved his villain machine on one side of my head and I watched in horror as my beautiful long hair fell down.

I saw myself in the mirror and was in a state of shock. One side of my head was almost bald.

"OK?", he asked.

At that moment, I swear I could have murdered him but then I realized that the damage had already been done and there was no point in murdering him. Besides I was looking crazy with one side of my head with 5 mm hair and the other side with 6 inches hair.

"Yes, OK", I replied.

After he finished, I looked into the mirror to see a mentally retarded person who had just escaped from the zoo. Meanwhile he came with another mirror and showed me my head from different angles. I felt like strangling him.

"That will be $20", he said with a very satisfied look.

On my way out, I saw those "pretty angels" pointing at me and laughing. Here are my Before and After photos !

From the land of Roshogollas

PaschimBanga... that's the proposed new name for West Bengal. I think they should have spelt it as PoshchimBonga considering Bengali people's love for the letters 'o', 'b' and 'sh'. But we will discuss that some other day. Today, we will take a look at the antics of a guy from the land of Roshogollas.

Scene 1 - Gurgaon, Jan 2007
Udaykumar Seethamsetti (let's call him Uday) was new to office and had just arrived from Hyderabad. He was searching for a house. Out of the 20 odd people around him, he approached Debobrata Chattopadhyaya (let's call him Deb) and asked him if he knew about good rental places. Deb told him to try Goonga Society in Sector 14 which had good rental places. He also added that Goonga Society was very famous.

Uday: Yeh society Goonge logo ke liye hai kya?
Deb: Hahaha... naa naa. Normal society hai.

In the evening, Uday went to Sector 14 and started searching for Goonga Society. He asked everyone he met about Goonga Society but no one seemed to know anything about it. After 2 hours of fruitless roaming, he came across a pan wala.

Uday: Bhaiya yeh Goonga Society kaha milegi? Suna hai Sector 14 mein bohot famous hai.
Pan wala: Goonga Society toh pata nahi lekin yaha par famous GANGA Society hai

The next morning, Deb came to office, sat on his chair and after he got up, realized that he had a chewing gum stuck to his ass.


Scene 2 - Gurgaon, Mar 2007
I and Jimmy (another colleague) were having free coffee (one of the few advantages of working in an IT company) when Deb joined us.

Deb: Just finished my call with onsite. I was talking to Norris. He was being very adamant and telling me to complete the work today.
Jimmy (has no idea who Norris is): Is it?
Deb: Yeah... I told him, “Dekh boss, yeh sab mujhse nahi hoga.”
Jimmy: You said this in Hindi?
Deb: Yes... why?
Jimmy: Norris... he understands Hindi?
Deb: Yeah... he understands Hindi, even speaks Hindi, better than me !!!
Jimmy (flabbergasted): How is that possible?
Deb: Norris is from Mumbai... so obviously he understands and speaks Hindi.
Jimmy (even more stunned now): Who is this Norris? Do I know him?
Deb: Yeah, you know him... Didn't you talk to him last week?
Jimmy: Are you talking about Naresh???
Deb: Yes.

10 minutes later, Jimmy "accidentally" spilled coffee on Deb.


Scene 3 - Gurgaon, Apr 2007
Deb: Mera Shwapna kidhar hai?
Jimmy (wondering who Shwapna is): Mujhe kya maalum?
Deb: Kal tere desk pe tha mera Shwapna
Jimmy (Doesn't know what's going on... slightly irritated now): Arre main koi Shwapna ko nahi jaanta
Deb: Jhooth mat bol... kal hi maine mera pencil sharp karke Shwapna tere desk pe rakha tha
Jimmy: Sharpner chahiye tujhe???
Deb: Yes.

That evening, Deb started for home and saw that someone had punctured his bike tyres.